I started this blog fresh from what I thought were a liberating series of changes in my life that would lead to a brighter, happier future. This may still be true. What I hadn't expected, at the beginning of that road, was just how long that road would feel. I had intended this space to be a place to share my insight into how wonderful life really is. The truth, I've found, is that life is not inherently wonderful. Life is a series of choices that we make, the moments in between echoes of consequence. There are times when those choices are poorly made, and the moments feel heavier than lead between.
I had expected that by leaving the situation that I was in, I was leaving behind my unhappiness. I had thought that I was ready to claim my happiness. Unfortunately, my happiness isn't ready to be claimed, and I continue to carry the source of my unhappiness inside. There are life lessons in this, I know, about attainment, desire and fulfillment, but I'm not ready to learn them. Right now, I feel like a man dying of thirst, carrying a cracked vessel along my journey. The flowers along the side of the road may be beautiful, but I'm too weak to appreciate them.
My journey isn't over, far from it. I just have no more wisdom in me, not that there ever was much that I would claim. I'm feeling more Amadain these days, for so many reasons. This space was meant to be a record of the positive things, of my good fortune. There are positive things in my life, surely, and I'm still fortunate. I'm just too parched to recognize them. May your own journey be full of moments easier to recognize as good, and may you be wise enough to notice and appreciate them. You'll be wiser, and more worthy of them, than I.
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