Guilt and the Good Man

I recently read "The Kite Runner", by Khaled Hosseini. It was a wonderfully moving story, in which the main character makes a tragic mistake as a boy, and lives with the guilt his entire life, until given an opportunity to atone for it. Two phrases from that book struck me, and really caused me to examine my relationship with myself. "There is a way to be good again." and "A man who has no conscience, no goodness, does not suffer."

I am currently in a wonderful state of flux. I have never been happier in my life. At the same time, my actions are causing great grief to people who love me dearly. Without retreading ground that has already been churned to mud, I will say that I recently decided to end my 12 year marriage. I believed at the time that I had good reasons, and I still believe that. It's been several months now, and I'm starting to set the legal gears in motion and begin the process. I still see my children just about every day, and most of the weekends. I provide for them. I show them a happier me than they have ever seen. The person hurt the most by all of this is their mother.

I am a deeply empathic person. I feel the hurt of others keenly, as though it were my own. To see someone that I care about in so much pain is difficult, and I try to give her what comfort and assurance I can, but obviously that can only go so far. I am, after all, still leaving her without a husband. I have family who are conservative Christians, who believe that I should go back, and try to work it out. I know that if I were to do that, I would be miserable, because I am the only person responsible for my own happiness, and I refuse to put myself back into that situation. Having been raised by conservative Christians, though, I battle guilt. I was raised to believe that adultery was the only acceptable reason to leave a marriage. This model of matrimony, however, breeds miserable couples who suffer in silence when there is no longer an alternative route to happiness than to leave.

This sense of guilt haunts me. Some part of me insists that I feel bad for being this happy, when it so obviously causes the pain of someone else. I can't give in to that instinct, though. I have to own my own happiness, plot my own course to the life that I want to live. I have to learn to accept the fact that, as much as I would like, I can't make everyone in my life happy. Our life is a short, constant stream of the consequences of our actions. I live today by the result of the choices that I have made. For the first time in my life I'm comfortable with who I am. For the first time in my life I can honestly say that I believe myself to be a good man. For the first time in my life, I feel truly happy. The work will be hard, the road will be long, but it's the right road. I have found the way to be good again.