On Anger, and Bad Days

"You're afraid of going back to the house, aren't you?"

This question, asked with a giggle by one of my children, was what led to the culmination of a very bad week. The mother of my children had recently begun having her boyfriend over for sleepovers. I had, and still have, no problem with this. She's human, after all, and needs companionship, like we all do. I did, and still do, have a problem with her having the man sleep in her bed while my children are there. Especially, as was the case last weekend, on Fathers Day.

I recognize that I can't control, or dictate morality, to anyone else. They have to make the decisions that they make because they believe that they're the right decision for themselves. As a parent, however, I believe that these decisions must take into consideration the best interest of the child or children in your care. Having someone you've known for less than two months, and that your children have met once or twice, sleep in your bed while your children sleep nearby, seems irresponsible to me. I wouldn't do it, and I asked the mother of my children not to do it, the week before Fathers Day. She agreed.

This is important to me. In a world challenged at every turn by moral dilemmas, I find myself looking for the simplest answers around me. When I ask something of someone, and they agree, I believe that they will honor their terms of the agreement. It seems simple enough to me. "Will you please not let your boyfriend stay the night while the kids are here, at least until the divorce is finalized? It sets a bad example." "Okay, I won't." Simple enough, in my eyes. Imagine the sadness involved on my part, then, when I was told by one of my children that he had spent the night, and woke up in her bed, on Fathers Day. That he had then come back, and spent the night again after I dropped the kids off on Fathers Day. I was hurt beyond words. We had an agreement.

This past Tuesday, I spoke with her again, and she made no effort to apologize for lying to me and breaking our agreement. I let it go, because I recognize that I can't control her morality, can't make her decisions for her. She asked, instead, that I get to know her boyfriend. Give him the chance to win me over, man to man. I've always hoped that whoever she ended up with, I could have some form of friendly relationship with. My early experiences with this man precluded any hope that I had in this case.

Without becoming specific to a degree of personal intrusion, I will say that when I first spoke to him, he threatened me, because I wanted to Google his name for the safety of my children. We spoke again, and while he eventually gave me his name, he also gave me a lengthy discourse on how lucky I was that he wasn't physically near me, because I had angered him so greatly. I listened to a rant about my character, and my inadequate qualities as a provider, and a father. I listened to these things from this man, and I let it go. Afterward, I made a point of avoiding the house when he was there. I had no desire to meet this man. No desire to get to know him. Last week, I asked the mother of my children to at least have him out of the house every other day, so that I could visit at the house with my children. She agreed.

Last night, on a night when I was supposed to have time at the house with the kids, she told me that we would need to go to the park, because he was at the house. Another agreement, broken. We argued for a short period of time about why she couldn't keep up any of our agreements. She had no adequate reasons, and I gave up the argument, in favor of spending time with my kids. My beautiful, precious children, who went on to tell me about how they spend their days with John. How they go to the store with John. How they love John, but not as much as they love me. I was defeated. While I work, to provide for them, to give her money with which to feed my children, and while I pay all of her bills, she and this under employed stranger get to spend their days entertaining my children. I avoided the house while he was there, to avoid confrontation, to avoid an unpleasant encounter, giving him time to steal away my children.

Out of nowhere, near the end of the visit, one of them uttered those words.

"You're afraid of going back to the house, aren't you?"

I asked my child where they had heard this. "John." I asked their mother why she would let this man say such things to my children, without coming to the defense of their father. "Neither of us knows what to think." was her response. Because the event and its repercussions are still too new, I won't go into detail regarding the rest of the evening. I will say though, that my child knows now that I am not afraid of this man. Unfortunately, in the process, I may have ruined what could have been a happy, healthy relationship that my children and their mother had with someone who made them happy. Instead of dealing with this situation in a constructive way, I gave in to my anger and dealt with it in a destructive way. Granted, the man was speaking ill of me to my children, with no defense from their mother, but I'll have to grow to expect that. I'll have to stop looking for cooperation from her, because we're not working toward the same goals. That saddens me, because I realize that it only hurts our children, but I can't make those decisions for her. I can, however, choose not to let the anger control me, and be the man that my children need me to be.