On SSRI's and hard times

Due to my own incompetence, I ran out of my SSRI a week and a half or so ago. Those who have been prescribed SSRI's, like Effexor, know how effective they can be. Those who have come off of that particular form of medication know how difficult that can be. During that period of withdrawal, I found myself drawn into drama over the safety of my children. There are few things in life that I take more seriously than the happiness and security of my children. While I believe the drama to be resolved, I was saddened greatly at the amount of deception involved. While unfortunately I can't say that I was surprised at the fact that it went on, I was surprised at how much I allowed it to hurt me.

I have, through the course of this path that I have put myself on, tried very hard to minimize the amount of pain that the mother of my children went through. She is, after all, half of their world, half of their happiness. Happy parents make happy children. While I will continue to believe in this, I don't believe that I can honestly make myself believe that she plans to extend the same courtesy to me. I accept that. It is, after all, the road that I have put myself on. Even so, I have cried more today than I have in a very long time. I really had hoped that I could keep a friendship with her that would make co-parenting easier.

I took one of the Effexor as soon as I left the pharmacy, and the nausea is already kicking in. I have struggled more with loneliness and with doubt over the last week and a half than I have in months, and it isn't a pleasant place to be. I hate that I have to medicate to get through this, but I've come to realize that if I don't, it will only continue to get worse. I look to a day when I won't need to chemically prop up my happiness, but unfortunately, I haven't reached that leg of my journey yet. For now, I look not to the thunderclouds above my path, but to the flowers beside it, and I try to remind myself of the important things.