Time keeps on slippin....

The last year has seen more change than any other in my life. I ended a toxic relationship that produced my wonderful children. I had no more trust left in me, and she had no real desire to become someone that I could trust. Our partnership was broken, I couldn't fix it on my own, and she saw nothing in it that was in need of fixing. The decision itself was easy to make. It had made itself long ago, I think, and another lie to break the camels back set it in motion. The aftermath was hard, and still is to some degree. I worry a great deal about what kind of effect that decision will have on my children, but my train of thought in that regard leads me to believe that a happier, healthier Dad will help them learn to make difficult choices and take ownership of their own happiness. It's what I hope for, at least.

I reconnected with the first woman that I genuinely believed that I was going to marry, only to see her fade out of my life once again. The euphoria of what a life started over could be was dashed against reality. I became another demand, instead of a release, and when something had to give, I felt the foundation that I had built with every one of our shared promises fall away beneath me. I had given my happiness over into the hands of someone who wasn't ready or able to take on the mantle of that responsibility, and learned the hard way that while we may mean every promise that we make, keeping them may not always be possible.

We shared the most beautiful day of my life, and at the end, I hadn't heard from her in weeks, although she was keeping up her "Facebook face". The last time that I heard from her, she wished me well in my new found love, and said that she would leave me alone. I'm not sure if she understood that she had already left me alone. I learned then, the hard way, that we all ride currents on the river of life, and that we have no guarantee that those currents will keep us close to those that we love. I hope that she finds peace. I hope that someday she finds the love that she deserves, when she finds herself ready. A part of me will always wish that it could have been me.

While I waited through those weeks of silence, shifting between a stoic acceptance of the situation and a pathetic need for attention, a friend stood by my side and waited. Waited for me to come around, to realize that every quality that I was waiting for was already beside me. Waited for me to realize that I couldn't make someone choose me, that I was worthy of being chosen, that I had already been chosen. Waited for me to open my eyes and see that a good woman was devoting her time to watching me agonize over someone who would spare no time, and yet for whom I was willing to give everything. She waited patiently, until I finally let go of the hopeless situation that I was putting myself in, and devoted my energy to building a new life.

While I've known for some time now that I'm a lucky man, I'm still getting used to the idea that I'm a worthy man. Worthy of my own respect, at the very least. This is the year that I begin to claim what I'm worth, the year that I stop wallowing and start moving, the year that I begin to make this new life into what it should be, and stop waiting for it to become what I hope it could be. This is the year, my friends, that I begin to live, to love, to laugh, to breathe, to focus, and to center myself in gratitude for what I have, hunger for what I want, and to test myself in order to maintain the former and move forward toward the latter. I will be no less than who I am, and do all that I can to give those who love me every reason to be proud, without reason to be disappointed or ashamed.

This is my year.