What Is

It occurs to me that I've spent a good deal of energy talking about what once was, and not enough energy talking about what is. One night last week, in the wee hours of the morning, I held a wonderful woman and whispered words of love and encouragement into her hair while she wept. She wept because she fears that she will never be able to live up to the spectre of what I once had. I have written at length on the qualities in Jen that I love, on the memories that I will hold with me for the rest of my life, and the doubt, the regret that I will have over losing her again. In putting these thoughts to record, I have fleshed out just how high a pedestal I've put her on. In putting her on so high a pedestal, I've guaranteed that the shadow she casts is long. It's no wonder that someone trying to stand by me would have insecurities and fears.

The first time that I met Dawn, I told her everything about my situation. I tried, purposely, to scare her away with the enormity of my emotional burdens. She wept for me then, a stranger across the tiny table of a coffee shop in a bookstore, because I was, as she puts it, "so sad". She became my friend, my companion. Eventually, as I went for days, then weeks without hearing from Jen, she became a part of my daily life, reassuring me that regardless of how I chose to interpret the silence, I was a worthy man. A good man. She began to take note of the little things, and found joy in bringing me joy.

My family loved her from the beginning, because she was so obviously taken with me, and so incredibly good to me. She engages everyone in my family on a very personal level, and has no fear of speaking her mind, no aversion to disagreement. She thinks of them in the littlest ways, just like she does me, and has adopted them as her own because they are mine. "They're important to you" she says "and so they're important to me, too." She makes no effort to hide her love for me from them, or anyone else. I am important to her, and everyone in my life that she interacts with can tell.

We took a good bit of time debating whether and when to introduce her to my kids. She read books on the subject, looked for guidance, and when she decided to meet them, she was as nervous as I've ever seen her. They took to her right away. Cailee, my sweet little Cailee, with so many quirks and funny little rules about physical interaction, asked her for a hug on the first night that they met. It moved her. She understood and communicated with the kids on a level that they couldn't resist. She worries about them, asks about them, helps to provide for them, plays on the floor with them, talks to them like real people, and loves them. She puts them first, which is something that noone else in my life has done before.

She keeps me honest, reinforcing the man in me who wants to do the right thing. She lends me the benefit of her wisdom, her life experience, her generosity, her nurturing nature, and her desire to see us both become the best human beings that we can be. She loves me unconditionally, corrects me with humility, disagrees with me when necessary, and puts herself at my side, to support me, to encourage me, to help me, and to enlighten me. She understands and respects my need for honest, direct communication. She makes sure that I know that I am not alone, that she wants to help me. Her strength, her courage, her joy and her love for me radiate from her like the light of the sun when she is with me, and if any light could have the strength to banish the shadow of what I have put between us, it would be hers.

This is what I have. This is what reminds me on a daily basis of just how incredibly fortunate I am. This love, blossoming from the roots of friendship, has come to sustain me, and to nourish my soul. While letting go of the past has been, and always will be hard, Dawn has committed herself to a life with me. I will do all that I can to keep her from regretting that decision, and to give back as much good to her life as she has to mine. In that spirit, and to ease what insecurity I have it in my power to, I will put no more words to page about what once was. I will give over my energy to nourishing and extolling the depth and beauty of what I am incredibly fortunate enough to have in my life right now. The love and respect of an amazing woman.