It's been a lonely week. I think that one of the things that I miss the most about being in a relationship is the physical presence of someone. The living, breathing manifestation of a choice rooted in love that blossomed into something larger than myself. My kids are a wonderful example of this, but I can't be with them every day. And the love that I have in me to give, the agape love, the eros, they live in a place within that wants to resonate with someone. That has resonated with someone. And, through a variety of missteps, I've had to turn the page on the chapters in my life that contained those people.
I miss hugging. Kissing is good, too, but hugging is special. When I hug someone, I'm not just patting them on the back without looking them in the eye. I'm letting them know that I'm there, to lean on in as much I have strength to be given. I'm leaning on them, to let them know that I appreciate their strength. I'm holding them tightly, to let them know that I'm attached to them, and that they mean something to me. Adults usually get skittish after being hugged too long, it's one of the things that's great about having kids. My son will hug me for as long as I hug him back. My oldest daughter will, as well. My two littlest have too much energy, but will tolerate the hugs just long enough to let me know that they appreciate them. To be hugged, genuinely held, is to know that you are loved.
I've been reading a few books lately, one of which is about learning that we don't need to look for love from someone else in order to know that we are worthy of being loved. That we can choose whether or not to be happy. That, by the magic of our consciousness reproducing the happiness that we have previously felt in love, we can be that happy without needing someone in our lives to give that feeling to us. I tried that this morning, on the way to work. I thought about how happy I was a year ago. I thought about how happy just reading "Te Amo" has made me. I thought about how happy looking down into the smiling eyes of someone that loved me, and seeing their tears of love and joy made me. I thought about the joy of having someone by my side telling me "I love to see you happy.". And I had an amazing day. Even in those relationships in which I am no longer a fortunate partner, I can still feel the love that I shared with those people, and it still gives me peace, and joy.
Even without someone next to me, I can know that at some point in time, I have experienced and known love. I am an incredibly lucky man.
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